


Iniquity

by IWasAlwaysDead



Series: The Darkness In Light [2]
Category: Death Note & Related Fandoms, Death Note (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Cheating, Confusion, Epilepsy, False Memories, Fluff and Smut, Identity Issues, M/M, Marriage Proposal, Pseudo-Incest
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-01
Updated: 2020-06-11
Packaged: 2021-03-01 17:42:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 14
Words: 19,681
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23951014
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IWasAlwaysDead/pseuds/IWasAlwaysDead
Summary: Light and L finally admit to their feelings, but will things fall apart when Light seems to be unable to stop comparing this L to the one who died? Will a health problem L develops further complicate things when he begins developing false memories about real places Light and L went when he was still alive? Or is there a perfectly reasonable explanation?
Relationships: L/Misora Naomi, L/Yagami Light
Series: The Darkness In Light [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1726606
Comments: 31
Kudos: 6





	1. Missing Mello

**Author's Note:**

> Hi all! I just want to reiterate that even though the first part of this series wound up as an orphaned work, what is about to be read has never been posted before! Yay! I hope to clear up the issue with AO3 very soon, and again, NiaChase and AnotherLostSoul can vouch for me being the original author of these works. (I also have a pretty easy to spot style and you'll notice the new postings are consistent with the old).
> 
> I hope you enjoy!

“I keep checking my phone, thinking he's going to text me. Dad, why do I keep forgetting that he's gone?” L asked as his father drove them to the farm. It had been a harrowing few weeks.  Misa was a mess, understandably. So was L. Also understandable. 

“Your mind wants to protect you from the trauma by blocking it out. But reality keeps reminding you of it. It won't last forever.”  Light’s heart was shattered. He didn't dare look over at L as his son stared despondently at his phone.  _ Just keep driving.  _

They'd just come from grief counseling. These days were hardest so Light tried to ease the pain with ice cream and horses. It seemed to be helping. Horses were the best therapy. Light still saw his  own therapist regularly, although recently his sessions were about L's grief and feeling helpless to help him.  He hadn't yet revisited the topic of what he found on L's phone. That simply had to wait.

After an hour unwinding at the barn, the two made their way home. L had started waking up from nightmares and crawling into his dad's bed. Tonight would be no exception.  He needed the comfort of his father, to know he was close and that L wasn't going to lose him  too.

Light often woke up with his arms around L, breathing him in. Those nights he dreamed  that _ his  _ L was there with him, and it was so real. It often took his fuzzy mind a moment to realize who the black head of hair belonged to.  It was odd to him, because he didn't feel disappointed that it wasn't his husband. He felt full of love and simply allowed himself to enjoy the moment.

Light had invited Misa to stay with them after Mello's passing . He was worried about her. She'd sunk into a deep depression and he didn't want her alone in that big house. She accepted, and this morning when he woke up he could smell the coffee brewing and something delicious cooking in the kitchen.  Quietly, he slipped from the bed without waking L and carefully planted a sweet kiss to his hair.

With a robe wrapped  around him, Light was surprised to find he was greeted with coffee and a somewhat manic seeming Misa.  She was all over the place, going back and forth from her laptop to the stove. “I'm selling the house!” She announced.

Light sipped tentatively. There could be crack in the coffee. “Oh?”

“Yes. I can't live there anymore. I can't go back. I'm going to buy beach front property in Greece and start over. ”

Greece was bankrupt and property was cheap right now. It wasn't a terrible idea. “That sounds like a wonderful plan, actually. I can help you pack and stage the house.”

“Thank you,” Misa smiled, sadness still behind her eyes. Life would never be the same for her, but maybe she could find a way to make it still worth living.

L joined them for breakfast a short while later and agreed to help pack. He requested packing Mello's room, to which they both agreed .  None of them had anything going on so they decided to start packing after breakfast.  The realtor  Misa hired had suggested clearing out soon, that she had a desirable property in a popular neighborhood and chances were it would sell before it was even officially listed. 

When L opened the door to Mello's room, the first thing he did was toss himself on Mello's bed and breathe in the scent of his pillows. Everything was just the same as it had always been, and the bed still smelled like him. _I miss you so much._ Sitting up, he decided it was time to get started. Pulling open the drawer of his nightstand, L smiled to see chocolate bars still in there. Pulling them out revealed a notebook underneath. “What’s this?”

L pulled it out and sat back on the bed as he thumbed through it. It seemed Mello kept a journal. L had no idea!  Curious to know what Mello's last entry was, he flipped to the final entry and began reading.

_“I love L so much. I love everything about him. We're soulmates, I know we are. I'm going to marry him one day, I just know it._ _We’ll have a big house and a couple kids and maybe a dog! I'm so excited about my future with him. I know it's going to be great.”_

L burst into tears and held the open notebook to his chest. Light came running in at the sound of his son crying, immediately going to him and holding him. Light had a feeling L would struggle with Mello’s room, and he hated that he was right. “It's okay, I'm here. I'm here.”

“What's going on?” Misa asked as she peaked in.

L pulled himself together, “I'm okay. Mello kept a journal and what he wrote about us just caught me off guard.” 

“Oh,” Misa said. “Would you like to keep his journal? He wrote about you a lot, I think. Might be good for you to read those words, you know?”

L's giant grey eyes glistened. “Thank you.”

With the help of his father, L was able to continue packing Mello's room. “It feels like I'm saying my final goodbye,” L said as he taped up a box.

“In a way, you are,” Light said.

“ I finally feel like I understand what you went through with Dad. Mello and I weren't married, obviously. And we weren't together as long as you. It must've felt like it was going to be impossible to survive.”

“For a while it did. Then you were born and my whole life changed. It got better. ” Light smiled softly at the memories. “ If it weren't for you, I might not have made it.”

L hugged his dad. “I love you.”

“I love you too. Now for the fun part. Shall we bring these boxes downstairs?”

L looked up at Light and smiled. “Sure.”


	2. Admission

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Light and L finally confess to each other

The weeks turned into months and L healed. Misa so ld her house and moved to the other side of the world. Of course Light and L had an open invitation to visit anytime, and they would certainly take advantage. Maybe during the holidays so Misa wouldn't be alone, Light thought. 

It was finally time to address the elephant in the room. With everything going on, Light had stopped dating and messaging guys altogether so it didn't look suspicious to L that activity had ceased. With a deep breath and a small prayer, Light knocked on L's door. He heard a muffled “Come in!” and genuinely would've rather had a root canal without lidocaine than have this conversation.

“Hey, L. Sorry to interrupt your homework but we really need to talk about something.” Light sat on L's bed as his son turned in his chair to face him.

“Oh? What about?” L played it cool but his stomach was in knots.

“I know about the pictures on your phone. And that you're logged into my dating profiles. I honestly don't know what to say about it.”

If L could possibly get any more pale, he did in that moment. “Dad, I'm sorry.”

“I think it's beyond sorry at this point, L.  Had I found porn I wouldn't have said anything. But these are pictures of _ me.  _ I have to tell you I felt like my privacy had been violated.  It's also a little weird because I'm your _ dad.” _

L looked down, completely ashamed of himself. “I know. I’m not sure why I did it.  Curiosity? Maybe the thrill was in how wrong it was?”

Light appreciated his son's honesty and wondered how much he should share of his own. “I actually understand these confusing feelings more than you know,” he admitted. “ I've had some intrusive thoughts of my own that I'm not sure what to do with.”

L looked up at his father, “What kind of thoughts?”

“Thoughts about you. Thoughts that… cross the line.  Thoughts that made me ashamed of myself.” Now Light looked down at the floor as he spoke.

“Is it because I remind you of _ him?” _

Light considered the question and figured honesty was the correct route. “Yes. You're more like him every day and I'm constantly reminded of the man I loved so much and I think those thoughts and feelings get jumbled together. ”

L was silent a moment. It made him feel a lot better to know how his father felt. “Thank you for telling me.” L stood and crossed the room to his bed where he sat next to his father and hugged him. “I'm so terribly sorry. I really am,” he whispered into Light's neck.

When he pulled away, they were face to face, so close they could feel each other's breath on their skin.  Light didn’t even realize he'd licked his lips as he stared at L's open mouthed pout. They were still holding each other, staring at one another in a new way, a different way .  As if by some magnetic force, they leaned closer. The movement was so tiny it was almost imperceptible, but it was there. When their mouths finally collided,  it were as though they both had been consumed by an ocean. They were flooded with feelings and emotions and desperation.

Suddenly Light forced himself away from L and stood, rushing out of the room. L was wind swept and dizzy but followed him. Light had locked himself in his bedroom, and no amount of knocking on the door or calling his name got him to answer. L slid to the floor and held his knees as he cried. How fucked up was he? Kissing his own father. He was disgusting. Surely Light would disown him now.

Light was pacing his room, frantic and confused. The problem wasn’t that he kissed his son, it was that it felt like he was kissing L. _His L._ It was like L had come back to life, like he'd been reincarnated. He tasted the same, he smelled the same, he _felt the same._ Suddenly Light stopped his pacing and stared at the door. He could hear L quietly crying on the other side. What if- as crazy as it was- what if this _was_ _L?_ Light couldn't prove Reincarnation one way or another and he wasn't a religious man. But just on the other side of that door was a version of L who was still alive, attracted to him, and possibly in love with him. The question now was did he take the second chance that he'd been given? Did he push aside the stigma and take a step toward L? What was right and what was wrong anymore?

Light opened the door and knelt before L, taking his hands and kissing them. “I've been foolish,” he said. L stared back in surprise, unable to speak. “ We aren't related, you and I. You're the son of the man I loved with my entire soul. How could I not fall in love with you? ”

_ He's in love with me?  _ L's head was spinning as he tried to wrap his mind around what Light was saying. “ I think I'm in love with you, too,” L sobbed.

Light pulled L into his chest and held him.  He stroked that black hair he loved so much and kissed the top of his head. “It's up to you, L. I'm willing to see where this goes if you are.”

L pulled away just a bit and searched Light’s eyes. “I am.”

Light’s thumb trailed along the tear stained cheek as he held L in his arms. This time, when he kissed L, he did not pull away. They clung to each other as they kissed, feeling as though they were made for each other. There was no shame here, only love. When the kiss finally ended, Light smiled down at L. “Our relationship will have to undergo some big changes if we're going to do this. Do you feel like you can talk about it?” 

L nodded and they both stood.  Light held L's hand, and for the first time in almost eighteen years he felt truly happy. “I'll make us some coffee.”

They sat at the table and made  rules and set new boundaries. “You can  _ never  _ call me dad again.  It'll have to be Light from now on. And I can't be your father _ and  _ your lover. I can only be one or the other, which means you'll be treated like an adult and expected to behave like one.”

“I can do that.” L sipped his coffee. Adults paid their own way. Adults had jobs. “I think it's time I went pro. I need to make my own money and pay my own bills if I'm going to be an adult.”

Light nodded in approval. “Alright, I think that's fair.  Once you start making a steady income, I'll start handing over responsibilities. The board on the horses is  _ a lot.”  _

L blushed a bit and stared into his coffee. “ When can we… you know… move beyond kissing?”

“When you're eighteen.  I don't want to take any chances,” Light explained simply. 

L nodded. Maybe one day it wouldn't feel embarrassing to him like it did now. Everything was so awkward and strange.  Light wasn’t his dad anymore, he was his…  _ boyfriend?  _ This would take some getting used to. 


	3. Incestuous Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Light and L try their very best to navigate this awkward and difficult path

The transition was slow, and neither gave the other any flack for a misstep because neither of them had ever walked this path before. L began furiously promoting himself as a trainer and landed a job as an assistant trainer at a high end show barn . He moved his horses and began the process of learning what it truly meant to be head trainer. He would be full time over the Summer and part time during college. Light couldn't have been more proud. $30,000 a year starting salary for an almost eighteen year old was insane. L had an excellent show record, however, and the barn owner had known he and Light for years. She couldn't wait to make him a part of her team.

Light took L out to a fancy restaurant with a romantic ambiance to celebrate his new career and his birthday, which was  coming up quickly .  Light toasted his red wine with L's soda, “To you, my dear.”

Light's hand covered L's across the table, his thumb stroking soft white skin. When a couple clients from the barn recognized L and walked over, L quickly withdrew his hand and hid it under the table. Light was taken aback a bit, but soon realized why L had responded the way he did. The woman was older than Light, possibly in her fifties with short blond hair. She was very well dressed and perfectly manicured. The man she was with was much the same with his balding head of white hair and somewhat stuffy appearance. “Oh, it's so lovely to see you, L! I do hope we’re not interrupting.”

“No, not at all,” L tried to smile, but he was blushing madly and unsure what to say. Realizing that he needed to introduce them to Light, he fumbled as he gestured across the table. “This uh, this is, is-“

“Light,” he reached out and shook their hands. “I'm L's boyfriend.”

“Oh my!” The woman smiled, “L didn't tell me he had landed such a catch! It's nice to meet you. I'm Mallory, this is Bill.”

“It's very nice to meet you both.” 

“Well, we’ll leave you two to your date. Have fun!”  Mallory said with a giggle in her voice as she waved goodbye.

L put his face in his hands, “That was so embarrassing.”

“It went fine,” Light said.

“Yeah, but only because you stepped in.  I _ almost  _ said you were my father.”

“I would've rolled with it,” Light said. “We’re still figuring this thing out. We're going to trip up sometimes. Don't be so hard on yourself.”

“ I get what you're saying but I worry. What if someone from school sees us hold hands or kiss? Someone who’s known me my whole life and knows who you are?”

Light had to admit he saw L's point. The kids he went to school with were brutal.  “ What do you think about moving? Start fresh somewhere where nobody knows us.  What do you say?”

L liked that idea. “Can we buy a farm?”

“Twist my arm, why don't you?” Light joked. Of course they'd get a farm. Whatever L wanted, he'd do.  “ When you graduate, we’ll get the hell out of here, okay?”

L smiled brightly. It sounded like a plan to him! “I love you.”

“I love you too.”

Maybe it was the wine, or the romantic setting of the restaurant.  It could've been the changes in L lately, how he'd blossomed into a responsible adult seemingly over night.  Something in the air caused Light to want L beyond caring that  he wasn't eighteen just yet. What did two weeks matter anyway?

Light could hardly stand the ride home. L drove since Light had polished off an entire bottle of wine. It was incredibly difficult to refrain from teasing his young love. Had L more driving experience, he would've loved to give him road head. The thought was thrilling, and Light ached for it. Instead, he settled for caressing L's thigh, trying hard not to allow his hand to creep up any further.

Once they were home, however, he couldn't keep his hands off L. Light held his face and kissed him hard, causing them both to stumble and giggle. Grabbing L's hand, Light pulled him into the bedroom and closed the door behind them. Light's hands had a mind of their own as they roamed L's body, sneaking beneath his shirt to feel the warm skin underneath.

L giggled . For a moment he considered the ramifications of _ not _ stopping drunk Light from fucking him. After all, he wasn't eighteen just yet.  That thought quickly left his mind  when Light decided to push his shirt up and suck a nipple. “Ha!”  L jolted a bit, not expecting the sizzle through his body. “Holy _ shit.” _

Light smiled deviously as he pulled away to remove L's shirt entirely. _He's just as sensitive… and in all the same places._ Light marveled at perfect white skin, interrupted partially by fading surgery scars. Light's fingers traced the scar on L's neck. “I almost lost you again.”

L covered Light’s fingers with his own and focused on the emotion filled eyes before him. “You didn't lose me. I'm right here.”

Light couldn't speak. Instead he kissed the lips he loved so much, the lips that were soft just like he remembered.  L backed up until he felt the bed against his thighs . He sat and scooted up the bed until his head was against pillows, inviting Light to climb on top of him. They both shimmied out of the rest of their clothing, Light struggling a bit under the influence of the alcohol. 

Seeing L naked for the first time, Light sat up and allowed his eyes to roam that perfect body. It was _ exactly  _ how he remembered.  That glorious pink tinged, nearly perfectly straight, slightly fat cock  was nestled in the center of a bush of fine, dark hair.  Muscular thighs  spread open before him and Light couldn't help but run his hands over them.  How could this young man possibly be such an exacting replica of  the L from so long ago? Could  r eincarnation be a real thing or are genetics playing a trick on  him ? 

Light leaned over L and kissed him softly. “I want to be inside you. Is that alright?”

“Yes. I want that too.”  L was already breathless and trembling with anticipation. Somehow he felt as though he’d been waiting for this moment all his life.

As Light found the lube and prepped his young lover, he felt glad that L had some experience in the bedroom. He wasn't sure why, but it wouldn't have felt right to take his virginity. Besides, he could make love to L the way he wanted, without restraint. As his fingers slid in and out of L's body, Light shuddered at the feel. The way L moaned and fisted the sheets caused Light to wonder if he was dreaming for a moment. Leaning up, over L's body, Light kissed the scar on the side of his neck to remind himself that this was real and that the L beneath him was someone else.

When Light removed his fingers and lined his cock with L's entrance, he began to feel overwhelmed. The emotion, the desire, the fact that he'd been given what was essentially a second chance…  _ I won't screw this up,  _ Light thought.  He pressed the tip of his penis into that tight, sweet heat and gently rocked back and forth until L's body relaxed and gave way to a deeper thrust. It was all second nature to Light. Every minute expression or twitch from L was a language Light already  spoke fluently. L didn't have to say a word because Light already _ knew.  _ He knew this body, he knew this man, and as they made love the emotions in the air grew thicker, heavier, only to be released through the silent cascade of tears.

“ Sh , Light, it's okay,” L whispered as he thumbed away the tears on Light's cheek.

“I just can't believe it's you. It's really you,” Light whispered, leaning into the gentle touch and closing his eyes.

“Of course it’s me.” L didn't really understand what Light meant.  Perhaps it was the wine talking nonsense in the heat of the moment.

Light kissed his lover as he slowly rocked in and out of him, wanting the night to last forever.  The smell of sweat and sex filled the room, another memory from long ago revealing itself to Light.  The bed rocked and sang, skin  slid against skin,  tongues tasted salty drops of  perspiration. L began stroking himself absentmindedly, not caring if he reached completion and yet needing to touch himself desperately.

L had never felt such love before, while Light felt his own heart  finally heal as his love reawakened.  Despite his best efforts to last forever, Light was  still a mere mortal and could feel his orgasm rising. He loved the way L stroked himself, and rocked back onto his knees and held L's legs as he fucked into him so he could watch. “Come for me,” he whispered greedily,  lust blown eyes piercing L through matted bangs.

The words felt like a shock through his system, and L obeyed them like a command. He stroked himself furiously,  struggling as his body writhed from overstimulation. Light pounded into his prostate over and over again until L couldn't help but scream and arch his back as his mind left him and his come splattered across his stomach.

The sight was wondrous to Light, who could feel himself careening toward the edge of glory as he  thrusted fast and hard, unable to keep the carnal , throaty cry from coming between his own lips.  He didn't recognize his own voice,  but it didn't matter as he spilled inside L in a final triumphant thrust.

Collapsing, Light felt he couldn't move, couldn't even open his eyes. L cleaned them off with his t-shirt on the floor.  L then pulled the covers over them and held Light as he tried to catch his breath.  L didn't say anything as Light clung to him, sobs escaping him without permission, bursting forward in their escape.  L simply stroked his sweat soaked auburn hair and kissed his forehead.  While he didn't know everything Light was feeling, he could only imagine what it would be like if he'd gotten a second chance with Mello.  Surely the experience would be overwhelming.  _ I'm not him, though. I'm me.  _ L wondered if Light was somehow confused. He did know who he was holding, right?  That he was the L he'd loved and raised and known all his life. He wasn't the L from eighteen years ago who was a world famous detective. 

_ Right? _


	4. By His Side

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Light and L move

It seemed like L blinked and he was graduating high school. Light wasted no time packing up the house and purchasing a new place for them to live.  It was further from L's college, but that was alright.  They'd figure it out. They had all Summer to settle in before L left for school that fall. 

Light was a nervous wreck as L hitched the trailer.  It was time to pick up the horses and move them to the new farm. L was excited, but he respected Light’s anxiety. “I'll text you when I pick them up and again as I'm leaving , okay?”

“Okay,” Light nodded, rubbing his hands together worriedly. L gave him a  kiss and waved goodbye as he pulled away. Light simply couldn't stand the way he felt. He needed a distraction, and there was no better distraction than moving.

Logically, Light knew he had to let L have the freedom to drive. He was an adult now and was responsible.  It was an internal struggle for Light to let go of  being a father and remain in the role of being a partner.  _ One step at a time,  _ he reminded himself. His phone dinged and Light smiled when he checked it. L had sent him his location so Light could track his progress in real time. That was a great idea and it gave Light a slightly better sense of self control.

He finished loading his SUV and locked the house. This was the last of the boxes, and he sighed as he looked back at the big, beautiful house he’d made so many memories in.  “You didn't even want to live here,” Light remembered.  “You said it was too much space.”

_ “It grew on me _ _.” _

“Thank you for everything, L. For the house,  the memories, your love.”

_ “It was my pleasure, Light.” _

“ Goodbye, L. I love you.”

_ “I love you too.” _

Light gave the house one more f on d look before turning away and getting in his car.  A soft breeze blew cherry blossom petals over the drive and car. He breathed in the lovely scent the air carried, and for the first time in a long time, felt at peace with himself.  Light had finally forgiven himself for all his mistakes, and felt ready to start a new life with his  current lover. He never felt like he deserved L's love and how he gave it so freely to him no matter what.  Now that he had the chance to do things again, he would do them right.

Light checked his phone one last time before putting it away. It seemed L was safely at the farm now.  _ Good _ .  It wasn't easy to keep a lid on his anxiety, but he managed it successfully.  After L's jumping accident when he was a kid, Light had to learn some new coping mechanisms for the sometimes paralyzing fear it gave him. Those skills came in handy now as he drove to meet L at their new farm.

The driveway was lined with stunning cherry blossom trees,  pastures on either side running the length of the driveway.  Light admired their new home as he waited for the automatic gate to s w ing open, its black wrought iron matching the black four board  fencing that encompassed the property. At the end of the long driveway was the white house with blue shutters and a red tin roof. It was far more space than they needed, but perhaps they could fill it with a family in the future. 

Before the house was the barn to the right of the driveway. A small arena was in front of it, with trailer parking between them.  A dry lot was connected to the barn, which was relatively small with only four stalls. Each stall had its own private turn out.  L already had plans to build a second, bigger barn on the other side of the driveway, along with a larger arena too. 

The loveliest part of the property, in Light's opinion, were the ample amount of trees surrounding them. It gave them so much privacy even if it cut into the amount of viable pasture there was.  With the entire place being over a hundred acres total, Light figured there would be more than adequate room to forage.

The second loveliest part was the large front porch. He could see himself and L drinking their morning coffee, admiring the horses and the beauty of their new farm. All he needed were a couple of rocking chairs and he'd be set. It would have to go on his long list of things to purchase for the house.

As Light unloaded boxes into the foyer, he heard the familiar rumble of the diesel engine as L pulled down the drive. He’d made it safely with four of his six horses. Until he had the new barn built and stalls for the last two, they'd stay at the boarding facility.  L unloaded his excited animals and placed them in stalls with hay and water. It was getting late and there would be plenty of time for them to explore their new digs tomorrow.

Dirty, sweaty, and disheveled, L took off his boots at the front door and smiled at Light through the screen door. Light loved the way L looked after a hard day of work outside. There was something about  the way he looked and smelled that turned Light on. L never stank. Not to Light, at least.  “Hey baby,” Light smiled as L walked inside and gave him a quick kiss.

“Wow, you've made a lot of progress,” L said as he looked around.  It was beginning to look and feel like their home. Especially now that the horses were there. 

“ I've got some pizza in the kitchen if you're hungry,” Light said, knowing L was a bottomless pit.

As expected, L nodded and licked his lips as he made his way to the kitchen.  He had a mission to demolish a pizza and come hell or high water, he was accomplishing his mission.  Light simply laughed under his breath and continued unpacking. 

Light hesitated when he pulled an old framed picture of him and his late husband from a box.  _ Would it be weird if I put this out?  _ Light jumped a little when L snuck up behind and said, “Oh wow, is that you and Dad?”

“Yeah. We weren't much older than you in this picture.”

“Damn, you were hot. What happened?” L teased.

Light swatted at him, but L dodged it easily. “ I had to take care of your needy ass. That's what happened.”

L continued grinning, enjoying his little game.  “You should set it out.”

Light frowned. “I don't know, L.  You don't think it's weird? What if someone stops by and asks about it?”

“I'll tell them I'm immortal so I don't age.”

Light rolled his eyes and set the picture back in the box. “I'm not sure I want a constant reminder of the past. Besides, I get to see you everyday. I don't need a picture.”

“ That's not me though.”

“Are you sure? You did just say you were immortal.”

L laughed. “It's me from another life.”

“Now that I almost believe,” Light said as he continued emptying boxes.

L looked at him for a moment, feeling a little unsure. It felt like they'd gone from joking to saying something real. L had wondered occasionally during their time together what Light thought of him in that regard. Did he think he was L come back to life somehow? That he was his reincarnation or something? L didn't like the thought of that. It felt like being a clone. Like he wasn't original or something. He didn't want to be a copy. He wanted to be himself, someone who was unique with their own thoughts and talents and quirks. _I am different from him. I'm not a detective, and I have scars he never had._

Later that night as they got ready for bed, Light noticed the picture on L's  nightstand. “I hope you don't mind,” L said. “I like it, and I don't have any pictures of him.”

“Of course I don't mind. I think that's a good place for it.” Light kissed L and pulled him against his body.  He was too tired for sex tonight, but maybe in the morning they could  christen the house. Now, though, he breathed in L's scent as he held him.  It had been an emotional day for Light, but it was worth it to have L by his side.


	5. Little Bombshells

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> L learns some startling truths about his late father

Daylight danced through the sheer curtains of their new bedroom and dotted L's white skin. Light shifted and smiled softly as he opened his eyes to gaze upon the sleeping man beside him. For a moment, time stood still. For a moment Light was frozen in a place where time did not exist and this new L blended perfectly with the former one until they were but one person. This L had somehow always existed, and Light had always loved him.

“Good morning,” L mumbled when he came to and found Light staring at him.

Leaning in and planting a kiss to his lover, Light whispered his good morning in reply. L rolled onto his back and reached for Light, simultaneously pulling Light on top of himself. The sheets gave way to their rocking bodies as they kissed and touched each other. Only the peaking sunlight was witness to their love making. 

L could never get enough of Light, could never be too full. He’d bear his soul if only to be consumed by Light and that would be okay, he thought. As long as it's Light, it'll always be okay. Nobody could send shivers through his body with a single touch like Light could. Nobody, L was convinced, could ever love him like Light could. “How do you know just where to touch me?”

Light looked smug, satisfied in his skills. “ You’re L. Of course I know your body. I mapped it out long ago.” As Light raised L's hand to his mouth to kiss individual fingers, he thought back to how L had once asked him to make love like it was the last time.

L was bothered but held back. He didn’t want to ruin the moment. They definitely needed to talk, however. The thoughts regarding Light’s seemingly strange beliefs  about L's identity fled L's mind as Light brought him to orgasm.  The ecstasy felt like it was chasing away any reasonable thought that had ever entered his mind and replaced it with pure bliss.  He  remained unconcerned as to whether or not his mind should return.

Love making now over, L found himself at the kitchen table awaiting breakfast. His mind had fully returned , and much to his dismay so did his anxiety and need to broach the topic of concern. How was he supposed to bring it up?  _ Like I would anything else, I guess.  _ Light handed him morning coffee with a kiss to ruffled hair and  sat next to him at the breakfast table. “Light?”

“Mmm ?” Light glanced up from his smart phone, reading glasses falling down his nose.

“Can we talk?”

Light set the phone down. Today's news report could wait. “What's going on?”

“Well,  do you… do you think I'm… him?”

Light knew what he was getting at. “Do I think you're somehow the mystical reincarnation of my late husband?”

“Yes.”

Light sighed and sipped his coffee as he thought. “ I deal in facts. In things that are provable. I let the evidence lead where it may. I'm not a man of religion or spirituality, not really.”  _ Though, I do know it's all very well and alive.  _ “ Am I open to the possibility? Yes. Does the evidence point to it being true? I think so. ”

“Evidence? What evidence?”

“How about the fact that you like exactly 7 sugar  cubes in your coffee and no cream just like he did? Or that your eyes glaze over and you drool at the sight of any strawberry dessert?  You don't do it as often as him, but you fold your legs sometimes like you're doing now when you sit. You have the same oral fixation.  Need I go on?”

“No, because I would simply call that familiarity. A code in my genes that has me going one way versus another.  Because unlike him I'm not an insomniac. And unlike me he didn't like horses.”

“I wonder how much of that is from trauma and lack of opportunity. Given the chance, would he have ridden? And had he not suffered so greatly, would he have slept soundly through the night?  Had I raised you differently, would you now be a detective instead of an equestrian?”

L pondered Light’s point. What was nature and what was nurture? Or did the two intertwine so perfectly that there was no telling where one ended and where one began? Finally, L removed his thumb from his lip and looked at Light pleadingly. “But I don't want to be _him._ I want to be me. I don't want to be his replacement, Light. I don't want you to love me because you miss him. I don't want you to want me because you want him. I'm not an envoy through whom you get to undo all the mistakes you made and feel better about your regrets. I want you to love _me,_ _damnit_ _!”_ L slammed his fist on the table, shaking the coffee cups so they spilled just a splash on the table. L got up quickly and walked away, leaving Light speechless. 

_ I've already fucked it up, haven't I? After I promised to do better.  _ Light didn't know what to do or think. He remained in his seat as he watched L disappear behind their bedroom door. He felt foolish. How long had he made L feel like he was second fiddle? That was never his intention.

Figuring L would only need a few minutes to cool down, Light set the cups in the sink and wiped off the table. He knocked on the door lightly as he opened it . L had thrown  himself on the bed, face down in the pillow he was hugging. “I'm sorry, L.. I'm so sorry for making you feel that way.” 

As Light sat on the bed, L turned his head to face Light’s, “I'm sorry I got so mad.”

“You had every right to be ,” Light said softly as he laid next to L. “I _ do  _ love you.  And not because you _ are  _ him, but because you're  _ not _ .”

“Huh?”

“ Your father was mentally ill, L. I just think there are some demons that can't be overcome. At least, not without help. I understand now that he was always going to die. Had the car accident not taken him I know I would've eventually found him in the tub with slit wrists or a hole in his head , or something.” Light’s eyes began to tear and he set his reading glasses on the nightstand and wiped them. 

“Why have you never told me this?” L didn't know if he should feel lied to or protected.

“I didn't want to sully the image you had of your father. I didn't want you to worry about becoming like him.  And I knew there would be a time I told you. It just had to be right,” Light explained. “Our marriage wasn't a fairytale, L. It was difficult. It was _ so  _ difficult. I felt like giving up so many times and so did he.  But every time we drifted apart, we found a way back to each other.  With you, it's different. It's so easy. It _ is  _ a fairytale.  I know you're not him, but I can't help but believe he gave you to me because you are who he was _ supposed  _ to be.  It's his last gift, his final act of love. And  in that way, I know that you and I are meant for each other.”

L didn't say anything. Instead he pulled himself into Light's chest and nuzzled him. It was a lot to process. In some ways it was a bomb shell. There were questions he needed answers to. But it could wait. It could all wait.


	6. College

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> L goes off to college and Light visits Misa

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promise to get on a regular cycle with updating! So, what do we think of this weird little story so far?

The rest of Summer was absolute bliss. There was an apple tree in the front yard that L couldn't wait to see bear fruit for the horses. The best time to ride, he found, was just before daybreak because it was far too hot to do anything by 10am. Light always had breakfast waiting for him when he finished. Light would greet L with a kiss and a hug and there was nothing better in L's opinion.

Fall creeped in with its weather changes and responsibilities. Light didn't want to say goodbye to L but he wasn't going to deprive  him of the college experience. L needed friends. After Mello passed, he stopped socializing and when he and Light got together he became even more isolated out of fear of judgment .  Nobody at college would know who he was, and Light hoped that meant he'd make new friends. In a lot of ways, it was a fresh start.

“I love you,” Light said as he held L in the open front door way of their home and kissed him.

“I love you too.”  L found himself reluctantly pulling away from Light and walking to the truck. He couldn't look back. If he looked back he would break down. If he looked back he would stay. Change schools.  Commute instead of living in dorms. But he'd made Light a promise to go out into the world and gain some  experience . He needed to go to a party, make friends, maybe even get into a little bit of trouble.  It would be good for him, they both knew. He'd never been away from Light before. It was time.

Light stood in the door way clutching his chest as he watched the horse trailer fade into the distance. He hoped joining the equestrian team would be L's way to make new friends. He'd easily be the best rider they had. Knowing how good this was for him didn't stop the heart break from watching him leave, however. Light stood there a little longer, taking in the warm breeze as he surveyed his land. It was so quiet, so empty. 

With a sigh he turned away and went back to his bedroom to finish his own packing. Misa had invited him to Greece, and now that L was gone, he was looking forward to the distraction. A stunning beach with delicious food and his best friend was everything he needed right now.

***

L's stomach turned with nervous excitement as he pulled onto campus. He followed the signs to the barn area, where he found trailer parking and a place to unload. A lovely, tall woman with dark hair and stunning features helped him locate his stalls. “I'm Naomi Misora. Welcome to the team!”

“ Th -thank you,” he blushed and nodded and tried not to be awkward.  It occurred to him that while he had relationship experience, he had no clue how to talk to girls. 

She giggled at him, a whimsical, lovely sound. She was so beautiful. How was she not a super model?  She made riding tights look sexy.  _ Nobody  _ made riding tights look sexy. Why was he staring at her ass?  _ Knock it off, L. You're gay, remember?  _ However, his attraction to the young lady begged the question; was he _ really gay? _

“Wow, I thought I brought the most horses to college with two, but you've got me beat by a landslide.”  Naomi closed the door on the stall she'd just put one of L's  warmbloods in and gave him a cheeky grin.

He blushed again, “Well, to be honest I didn't want my boyfriend taking care of them all, so I boarded half with my trainer and took half with me.”

Naomi blanched and stepped close to him, “ Boyfriend?”

L felt nervous. “Y-yes?”

She glanced around the barn, making sure nobody was within earshot. “ I'm cool with it. My sister is gay. But this school is… not friendly, if you get what I mean.  You shouldn't _ have _ to hide who you are, but you have to hide who you are, unfortunately.”

“Oh,” L hadn't known that. It hadn’t occurred to him to investigate whether the school culture was pro LBGTQ  before.  _ Shit.  _ “I mean, I don't really care if I fit in…”

“No, you don't seem to understand. Teachers will purposefully try to fail you. You'll be kicked off the equestrian team. Someone might hurt your horses. They might hurt you.  Pretend to be straight until you can transfer to a new school or you graduate.”

_ Fuck.  _ “Alright.” L tried to control his wide eyed expression but failed.  He'd do anything to protect his horses. He'd brought his four best competitors. “I, uh. Thank you, Naomi. I really owe you one.”

“ Yes you do. How about you buy me coffee after we get the horses settled?” She asked with a friendly wink.

“I'll buy you anything you want. You possibly just saved my life.” He was serious even though she just brushed him off.  She led the way back to his trailer to get the last two horses. By the looks of things, L came from money and had the nicest horses she'd ever seen at the school.  If he could actually ride, well, that would be amazing. It had been  her experience, however, that people thought money could buy them whatever they needed to win. You couldn't buy talent, however.

Naomi explained over coffee that while the facility on campus was technically self care, the students had developed a co-op  to help each other out. “I do chores on Thursday’s. Why don't you join me? My last  partner graduated so I've been doing the whole barn myself and it really sucks.”

“Sounds great!” Feeding, mucking, and turn out once a week instead of everyday sounded fantastic to him.  Equestrians were no strangers to hard work, and he would not be caught complaining.

***

Greece was everything Light imagined and more.  It was everything he needed. Misa squealed and danced and hugged her friend for what felt like several minutes. Light simply laughed at her antics. He had missed her silly, over the top ways. “I missed you, too.”

They found themselves enjoying a  local favorite of Ouzo lemonade beach side as they took in the sun.  Misa had known about Light and L and  admittedly she didn't handle finding out very well. In the midst of knowing what Mel’s father had done to him, then losing him and having to restart her life, she had many, many feelings about it. At first she was harsh with Light, telling him it was wrong to seduce a young a boy who didn't know any better. Then she calmed down and wondered how she’d feel in Light's shoes. No, she didn't have the kind of love and relationship L and Light had. However, if she were given a second chance with a version of her late husband who  wasn’t a drug addicted piece of trash, she'd take it. 

By the time she'd come to terms with it, L was heading off to college and Light was headed her way.  It wasn't her life and it wasn't her business. If Light and L were happy that's all that mattered.  Leaning over in her lounge chair, she refilled their drinks. “ So, this is the first time you've been apart from each other?”

“Yes, and it's much more difficult than I thought it would be,” Light admitted. Part of him hoped L was enjoying school and not too home sick. The other part of him hoped L missed him just as much.

“I think this is good for both of you,”  Misa offered as she sipped, “He's really never been on his own before.  I know you love him but he really needs to figure out who he is and what he wants for himself. ”

“I know. I agree,” Light lamented softly as he traced the rim of his glass with his finger. “I just worry.”

“About him or yourself?”

“Both.”  Light didn't want L to move on from him and find someone else while he was away. It was Light’s biggest fear. He simply couldn't stand the thought of losing L again.  There was nothing Light wouldn't do to keep L by his side.


	7. L's Dildo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A funny, smutty chapter just for kicks!

Thursdays working with Naomi were something L really looked forward to. The hard work grounded him, distracted him from missing Light. The school housed about thirty horses, which meant a considerable amount of work for the pair. Their mornings started at 5am with feeding, and if they were lucky, Wednesday nights workers set up the a.m. feeding for them the night before. Thankfully, Wednesday’s help was thorough so the feed was always ready and the stalls weren't all that bad to muck. 

Once the horses had eaten, they were turned out into their respective fields and stalls were mucked. Water buckets were then refreshed, and evening feed was set up. L refreshed shavings in the stalls that needed it while Naomi finished blowing out the aisle. There was nothing better than a job well done. “Are you going to the party tomorrow night?”

L shrugged. “I'm not sure. You?”

“Yeah, the whole team is going. You should go! Make some friends.”

“Alright well, if I can tag along with  you I'll go.”

Naomi hung the blower on the wall. “Sure thing.”

They had just enough time to shower, change, and eat on the run to their classes. L was grateful for his mini fridge of energy drinks and granola bars. He definitely was not used to living off prepackaged food, and missed Light’s delicious home cooked meals. He'd noticed a slight decline in his energy levels so ordered a multivitamin online to help bridge the gap. He'd been trying to go vegan but was finding it nearly impossible in his current situation.

As L crossed the campus, he tapped out a text message to Light:  ** I love and miss you.  **

The reply came quite quickly.  ** I love you too. How are things going? **

** You'll be proud. I'm going to an actual party tomorrow night. **

Light smiled down at his phone as he typed up a response.  ** Good for you! ** ** You'll have to let me know how it goes. **

** I will. Gtg now though. Class is starting.  ** ** I'll call you tonight! **

The professor droned on as L daydreamed about being back with Light.  Classes were going well enough . He aced everything and even started tutoring others in his spare time. Not that he had much of it. Between riding for the team, classes and studying,  and attempting to be somewhat social, L was  stretched pretty thin. He had himself convinced he could do it all, however.

Friday evening rolled around quickly and L found himself both nervous and excited to be going to the party. Perhaps he’d had one too many energy drinks because his hands shook like crazy as he rummaged through all his shirts, not finding a single thing to wear. Light always had great taste in clothing and always looked so sharp. When L was younger, Light dressed him in the nicest clothes. As he got older and started choosing his own clothing, however, Light backed off. L frustratedly wished Light had forced him to dress better. “Ugh. Time for FaceTime.”

Light answered quickly with a joyous, “What's going on, L?” He'd been working on decorating the house, the rocking chairs he'd ordered finally having arrived along with a few wall hangings. Light was privy to the anti-gay culture of the school, so tried to be careful what he said unless they were alone.

“Hey babe. I can't seem to find anything to wear to the party tonight. Help me, please.”  L pouted a bit as he sat on the bed amidst his mess of clothing.

“I know you packed some polo shirts. A black one would look nice,” Light said.

L typically used Polo’s for riding and schooling his horses, not for wearing out.  A black one probably wouldn't look as stained as the others he had in lighter colors, though.  Setting the phone down in a way that Light could still see him, L pulled out his best looking black polo shirt and put it on. “Well?”

“ Do you have any dark blue jeans?”

“Yeah.” L kicked off the pants he was currently wearing and traded them for a darker wash, relaxed fit pair.

“That looks good. Put together but still casual.  How is everything going over there?”

L leaned down, closer  to Light's pretty face. “Yeah, it’s good. I just miss you like crazy.”

“I miss you too,” Light seemed sad as he looked at L through the screen.  No matter what he did to the house, it just felt so empty without L there. “You have a break coming up so I'll see you then, I'm sure.”

“Yeah,” L sighed. Neither of them were smiling and if L were being honest, it was all he could do not to have an emotional breakdown. “I love you so much.”

“I love you too.  When you get here, we’re shutting off our phones and locking the bedroom door and not leaving unless we're starving, okay?”

L's eyes shined with brimming tears as he finally smiled, “ Okay.”  L wiped his eyes and laughed a bit. “I have to confess I really miss sucking your dick.”

Light’s eyes widened as his own grin spread across his face. L could hear him shuffle around and knew he was unbuttoning his pants. “Do we have time for a little video session?”

L shrugged, “Yeah, I don't have anything going on for another hour, so…  let me see you, baby. I want to watch you touch yourself.”

Just hearing the words was a turn on, and Light positioned himself so that L could watch him stroke his hardening shaft. “Mm, L, I wish your mouth was on it right now.”

L reached into his own pants to free his aching cock. “Me too.  You're so beautiful. This is so hot. Can you see me?”

“Yes,” Light panted as his fist stroked his hard shaft faster, precome drizzling from the tip. Light slid his thumb over it and smeared it on the head of his penis. “Finger yourself for me, baby. Please.”

“Okay.” L had a decorative box in his closet where he kept his toys.  Momentarily letting go of his penis, L pulled the box from the shelf and grabbed the lube.  Positioning himself back in front of the screen, he fingered himself open as he stroked his shaft.

“Oh yes baby, yes.  Get yourself nice and loose for me,” Light hissed as he stroked himself furiously. “ I want to see you fuck yourself with a dildo.”

“Okay,” L choked out, eyes closing as the stimulation mounted and his mind could only think about coming.  He managed to get two fingers inside himself,  excited about the prospect of fucking himself on a dildo.

L picked a dildo that would mount against the sliding glass door of his closet, enabling him to fuck against it on all fours while still watching Light carry on. He eased himself onto it after a couple of height adjustments, wincing at the stretch. It had been a while since he’d last had sex.

“Fuck it like you're fucking me,” Light nearly slurred as he jacked himself off to the wondrous sight before him.

Eyes closed and face twisted with pleasure, L shook as he rocked his ass against the toy. “Oh baby, yes.  Yes, that's the spot. Right there.”

Light wished he could be in the room with L in that moment. Wished he could tease his sensitive nipples and bite the tender flesh of his neck.  Light wished so many things but was thankful for what he was getting, even if it would never be enough. “I'm coming! L, I'm coming!”  Light announced, head thrown back as he spurted his release.

L couldn't get enough of it. He shivered to imagine licking up the mess or even better; Light shooting down his throat. He was moaning so loudly that he never heard the door open. “Starting the party early I see,” Naomi said, amused looking as she stared unabashed down at a very naked and very carnal looking L in the throws of an intense orgasm.

He stared up at her with large, horrified eyes. Unable to move until he finished coming, L shook and shivered and felt like he might die. Light was asking who was there but L grabbed the phone and quickly  ended the call. Then he scrambled to cover himself with clothing as he stood, head spinning and humiliated. “What the fuck, Naomi?! You can't knock?”

“I did. And  I called for you. The door was unlocked.” She seemed  unfazed by the entire scene before her as she attempted to keep a giggle down.

_ Fuck. How did I forget to lock the fucking door?  _ The horror began to wear off and L  shrugged in defeat.  Tossing the clothes on the bed, he began getting dressed, no longer caring that he was stark naked before Naomi or that a recently used dildo sat behind him on the glass door. Even the come stain on the floor  was a non issue. “Believe it or not, this isn't the strangest thing that's ever happened.”

Naomi laughed a bit, curious now as she gazed at his very tone body and nice, trimmed package. _Too bad he's gay._ “So what was the strangest thing?”

L froze. He certainly didn't want to tell her that fucking his adoptive father who believed he was the reincarnation of his late husband and OH YEAH, also happens to be L's biological father was the strangest sexual event of his life. He winced at her as he buttoned his pants. “Maybe when I know you better. It's uh, very bizarre.”

“Alright.” She was quite intrigued, however. Definitely wouldn't be letting this go. “Let's get going. From what I understand, practically the whole school will be at this party.”

_ Great,  _ L thought with dread.


	8. A Night of Passion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> L and Naomi attend a college party and one thing leads to another...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Due to health issues I have only updated this fic today because I'm tired and may or may not have had an involuntary nap. Heh. Enjoy! This chapter is smutty and full of regret! Lmao

The party was insane. The house was huge, and neither Naomi nor L knew who owned it. Red solo cups lined the lawn, a few light weight drinkers already passed out in the grass. “Classy,” Naomi said as she made her way to the door.

Once inside the house, the blasting music and moving bodies brought a smile to Naomi's face and a nervous twitch to L's. She held his hand as they made their way through the crowd into the kitchen. Once there, she poured them both a red solo cup full of red punch. It had chunks of fruit and tasted of pure sugar. L _loved it._ He'd never tasted alcohol like this before. It was something Light enjoyed but L didn't like the way wine tasted. He didn't know booze could be so sweet.

“Slow down!” Naomi chuckled. “You’ll make yourself sick.”

“It's so good though,”  L said as he tied a cherry stem with his tongue and stuck it out at Naomi playfully.

She raised an eyebrow, “A man of many talents, I see.”  _ Damn _ .

L simply giggled and tossed the stem into one of the many hanging garbage bags. The two friends then made their way outside. They stood on the back porch as a bonfire grew in the distance.  L thought Naomi looked so beautiful in the flickering light of the fire below.  She confused him in so many ways because L had always assumed he was gay. Did he assume that because both his father's were? What if he wasn't? Clearly he wasn't straight but he wanted Naomi in the same capacity he'd wanted Mello and Light. He wanted to hold her, to see her naked, to know what it feels like being inside her. Maybe it was the alcohol talking.

“Let's get refills and go down to the bonfire,” Naomi said as she took his cup. “Wait here, I'll be right back.”

L watched her saunter off with hazy eyes and a fast beating heart.  “L? Is that really you?”  A n unfamiliar voice called in the darkness.

Turning his head as he leaned against the railing, L narrowed his eyes to try and place the dark grey eyes and white tuft of hair before him.  Running nervous fingers through his hair, L sputtered a bit as this guy he apparently should know but didn't approached with several other guys around him.  “I'm sorry, I must be drunk.  How do you know me?”

“ We went to school together , but I don't think we were ever formally introduced. I'm Near.” He reached out a hand and L shook it.

“Oh yeah! Mello was so pissed when you knocked him down to third highest ranking in the school,” L said with a friendly laugh.

“Who’s  _ Mello _ ?” One of the guys with Near asked in a way that  made it clear he thought Mello was a stupid name . He was tall and muscular. Definitely an athlete.

Near looked up at him, “An old boyfriend of L's. He passed away in a car accident.” Near looked back at L. “I'm sorry for your loss.”

L's head was spinning, and not from the alcohol. The big guy gave this look of absolute disgust and the look seemed to trickle down to the other guys with him. Somewhere in the group he heard someone call him a fag.  The very thing he'd been avoiding just happened, and the truth would spread like wildfire. 

Like the saving grace she was, Naomi swooped in and handed L his drink before placing her now free hand on the small of his back. When he turned to her, she planted the biggest, sexiest kiss to his mouth, and despite the surprise of it, he found himself seeking more. When they separated, Naomi gave the crowd a coy look and said, “I see you've met Near and his goons.”

Near scoffed, “Goons?”

The big one jumped in with, “You’re the one  dating a faggot!”

Near threw his hand up to shush the big 'goon’ , who silently obeyed.  He gave both L and Naomi a harsh stare. “It was good seeing you again,  _ Misora _ _.”  _ With that, he motioned for his followers to leave with him.

Shocked, L turned to Naomi. “What the fuck was that about?”

She shrugged, “Eh, he's got the hots for me and knows not to piss me off. I know too much about him.”

Near certainly wasn't anything like L thought he'd be.  He always figured the kids was a silent, hard working type. It seemed now he ran a small gang.  Before L could ask Naomi to explain further, she had grabbed his hand, nearly spilling their drinks as she pulled him down the stairs into the back yard.

“Hey, wait,” L said as the leaves crunched underfoot.  He stopped and tugged her to him in the cover of the dark night. They could barely see each other, but his heart pounded nonetheless. “That kiss earlier…”

“I know you're gay, L, I was just saving your ass.”

“No, that's just the thing, Naomi. I'm not.”

She paused and L wished he could read her face. “What are you saying?”

“I'm saying I like you, Naomi.” He didn't know what he was saying but he had nothing to lose and all the confidence cheap punch could bring .

She stepped closer and he could feel her breath on his face. “I like you too. A lot.”  They kissed again, and this time it wasn't for show or to save L from humiliation. This time it was because they wanted to. They wanted each other,  and the crisp night air and stars above them shined in approval.

At the bonfire a  joint was being passed around. Naomi took a hit and passed it to L. He shrugged,  _ what the hell,  _ and took a drag only to cough and double over and feel like his lungs were on fire.  Naomi laughed at him but he didn't mind.  Her laugh was wonderful. 

Other than that, they enjoyed drunken stories and getting to know new people. L was so glad he came. It was easily the most fun he’d had in years. Naomi and L held hands as they polished off their drinks. She smiled at him as he listened to someone tell a hilarious story about studying abroad, his lovely face and eyes alight with the fiery glow. Leaning up to his ear, she whispered, “Let's see if we can find an empty bedroom. Shall we?”

L went rigid and squeezed her hand.  He quickly dismissed himself and raced as fast as his wobbly, drunken legs could carry him back inside the house.  Naomi was close behind, giggling as she  tried to keep up.  He knocked on several doors and walked in on a couple of people accidentally. Both he and Naomi laughed so hard their sides hurt. Finally, they stumbled into a spare bedroom and L did not forget to lock the door this time.

They were messy and sloppy and couldn't stop giggling.  Clothes scattered across the floor as L covered Naomi's perfect body with his own. Making love to a woman was so different from making love to a man. There was no need to prep, no need for lube.  Naomi was already soaking wet, legs spread and body _ begging  _ to be fucked. 

She felt so warm and tight and  _ right  _ to him.  He gently massaged her breasts and teased her nipples as he thrust inside her. Mouths collided about as often as they missed but neither cared. They were entangled in absolute  bliss and couldn't get enough of each other.

By the time he came, she was screaming his name like it was the only one she ever knew. They both collapsed against the bed, breathing hard and sweating.  L would've given anything for a drink of water but found sleep overcoming him instead.  Naomi curled herself against his chest and together they fell asleep, drunk and exhausted and satisfied.


	9. Confessions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> L admits his trespass but Light has an odd reaction...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's my birthday, guys! I'm so stinking excited! Sorry I didn't update earlier this week. I got an infection from my surgery site that went to my jaw and abscessed a tooth. I had to have an emergency root canal. So, here's to hoping next week is a little bit better!!!

The guilt ate away at L. If he hadn’t thrown up from his hangover he'd definitely throw up from the overwhelming guilt and shame. He found he could hardly look at Naomi and she was left wondering what the hell she’d done wrong.  The only saving grace was the approaching Fall Break they had. L and Naomi could go their separate ways for a couple weeks and figure out what the actual fuck they were doing.

L could also use that time to confess to Light his trespass and see what the aftermath was. It was a difficult drive home. He wanted the gate to swing open more slowly, the driveway to be longer. There could never be enough distance between L and the truth, however. “I have to tell you something,” came before _ hello  _ or  _ I love you  _ and that's how Light knew this was serious.

“ Alright. I'm listening.” Light squeezed L's shoulders before letting his hands drop to his sides. L didn't look right. He looked… the way his father always did right before an episode.  Light’s stomach churned.

L took a deep breath and looked down at his shoes. “I went to a party with Naomi. I got drunk and high and I slept with her, Light. I cheated on you and I feel so disgusting.”

Light would be lying if he said he wasn't shocked. L didn't drink. He didn't get _ high.  _ And he most certainly didn't have sex with women. However, the tortured look on L's face spoke volumes. Light pulled him into his arms and kissed the top of his head. “I forgive you,” he whispered, the words strange yet familiar on his tongue. “I'm hurt. But I love you and I can see you really regret what happened.”

“How can you forgive me so easily?” A tearful L asked.

“ Because your father once forgave me for the same thing, L. So how could I not forgive you?”

It was L's turn to be surprised. “You cheated on dad?”

“Oh yes. I had a full blown affair.  Worst mistake of my life. ”  Light stroked L's soft hair and looked at him lovingly. “Why don't I make us some coffee?”

L nodded, a weak smile gracing his trembling lips. Light walked to the kitchen and L watched him. Relief mixed with dread because he knew he'd messed up. He knew their relationship wasn’t perfect and unblemished anymore, and it hurt.

Finding his way to the kitchen table, L sat in silence as Light brought the coffee over. He seemed so calm, so serene and elegant. No words passed between them as Light sat, sighed, and rubbed his forehead. “I suppose I'll start at the beginning. Our relationship was already broken, you see. We had just gotten through the worst winter of my life. Probably his too. He had tried to kill himself on Christmas Eve and long story short wound up hospitalized. I had this friend I confided in about it all. I felt so alone, you see. Even when L came home, things just weren't the same. I continued having an emotional affair with this friend until eventually I found myself in his bed. L knew. Of course he knew.” Light stared out the window, lost in thought as he sipped his coffee. “I remember the day he finally confronted me. I felt so relieved for it to finally be out in the open. I thought it was the end of us, but it wasn't. That discussion led to me going to therapy and him changing his medication. It turned out to be a God send. In the months leading up to his death we were the happiest we'd ever been. We decided to have a child…” Light gave L such a look of fondness then.

It wasn't at all what L had done. Light’s actions were born of pain and loneliness. They were understandable. L burst into tears and cradled his face in his hands. “I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry…”

“I know you are. It's going to be okay.” Light reached across the table and took L's hand in his own, kissing it. “Please believe me when I say I love you.”

L wiped his face with his free hand and nodded. “I do believe you. I'm just going to feel crappy for a while.”

“Maybe I can cheer you up. Stay here.” Light let go of L's hand and  went upstairs to their room, L assumed.

He could hear the easy footsteps of his lover and the opening and closing of a drawer. Then came the fast paced sound of a man descending the stairs in a hurry.  L turned in his chair to face Light a bit, curious now more than upset. Light’s face had a soft glow to it, a look L couldn't quite place. Light didn't go back to his seat at the table. Instead he stopped before L and dropped to his knees, pinching between his fingers the most stunning silver ring.

L burst into tears all over again, practically falling out of his chair and onto Light as he wrapped his arms around the man who loved him enough to not only forgive him, but to then _ still  _ want to take the next step in their relationship. 

Light laughed as he fell back. “I planned to wait until you graduated, but somehow now feels right.”

L plan t ed fervent kisses to Light's face before stopping to watch the ring slide onto his finger. The fit was perfect. “I can't believe this is happening…”

Light kissed L and held onto him, fingers entwined. “It was his ring.  Now it's yours. This is a promise, L. A promise to do better, to be more.  I will never betray you, okay? I will love you all the days of my life.”

“I will do the same for you. I can't stand how I feel or how I hurt you. I promise I'll never hurt you again.”

Light knew better than to believe that. They would hurt each other again, many times in fact.  For that moment, however, Light allowed himself to indulge in the earnestness of L's promise.  As he held L in his arms there on the kitchen floor,  he felt at ease in knowing there was nothing that could come between them. 


	10. Sex and Sins

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Light and L tie the knot but something still doesn't sit right with L.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for rough sex that crosses the line a bit.

It was easy to convince L to go to the courthouse and marry without all the bells and whistles and attention of a wedding. L was in a place where he'd do whatever Light wanted in an attempt to be absolved of his guilt, so he agreed. L felt a strange swirl of excitement and anxiety turn in his stomach. It wasn't that he was afraid to get married; he was over the moon about that. It was the way in which Light didn't seem to care at all about his trespass. He didn't get angry or punish L. He didn't yell or break things or leave. None of that was Light’s style anyway. No, Light handled his anger privately and then decided how to proceed once it had passed. The fact that he hadn't brought it up in days was troubling to L because the longer it took the deeper Light’s rage went.

L pushed his thoughts aside as he held hands with Light before the judge. “I, L Lawliet Jr, take Light Yagami…” the words echoed in his mind, throbbed in his ears. A sort of strange numbness overcame him and he couldn't be sure of what he was saying anymore. His tongue tingled and his eyes lost focus and for a brief moment L didn't know where he was.

“L? L, are you alright?”  Light squeezed L's hands and gave him a tug. “L, snap out of it!”

“Huh?”  L withdrew a hand from Light and rubbed his forehead. “I don't feel well. ”

“Let's go home and get you to bed, then. It's been an intense few days.”

L nodded in agreement, realizing slowly that they were officially married though he couldn't remember it.  Whatever had happened, L's head was throbbing and he wanted to vomit. Maybe the emotional turmoil had finally physically affected him. Sleep sounded great. Yes, a good night's sleep would fix much of this.

He didn't recall the ride home or much of what Light had been saying. He recalled their joined hands and how the rings shined in the sunlight. He recalled Light’s smile. How it was genuine and yet not genuine. Had they rushed things? Was the timing wrong? “Lay with me, Light. Please.”

“Okay,”  Light brushed the back of his hand along L's cheek, then kissed him sweetly. “I do hope you're not getting sick.”

L felt uncoordinated and needed assistance getting undressed. “I must be coming down with something. I don't feel right at all.”

Light placed his hand on L's forehead but felt no fever. He kissed the side of his face and drew his arms around L. It felt so right to be married again despite what was between them. Somehow, that felt right too. It brought their relationship from a fairytale into the realm of reality. The pain that L inflicted upon him was so familiar and strangely comforting. He breathed L in and buried his face in dark, fluffy hair. 

Light wasn’t asleep long when he was startled awake by L's cries. “What’s wrong?” Light asked as L turned to him and clutched at Light's chest. Light held him and stroked his back until his heaves subsided.

“Nightmare,” L choked out. He turned blood shot eyes up to Light.  “I'm so sorry for what I did.”

“I forgave you. It's in the past.”

“That's just it. I don't… I don't want it. That's not what I need from you.”

Light’s look was one of confusion. “Then what do you need from me?”

“ Punishment.”

Light’s eyes widened then narrowed again as his breath caught. Without another word, he climbed from the bed and locked the bedroom door. With all the grace of a feline on the prowl, Light walked to the closet. L gulped when he saw Light wrap a leather belt around his fist. Turning toward L, Light finally spoke for the first time. “Are you sure you're up for this?”

“Yes,” came the shaky answer. “I feel much better than before.”

“Alright.” Light walked over to the  dresser drawer where they kept all their toys. He pulled out cuffs, a gag, and a blind fold. “Get on your knees and grab the bed post,” Light ordered. L obeyed, trembling in both fear and excitement. Light had never sounded like this before. He'd never _ looked  _ like this before. There was a  ruthlessness in his eyes. Something evil in his smile. “I will stop if you tell me to. But I will not be gentle. This is going to _ hurt.” _

L gulped, unable to keep his voice from shaking. “Okay.”

Light leaned over L and cuffed his wrists tightly to the bed post. L could tell it wouldn’t be long before his wrists were sore and bruised. It already hurt to pull against them. Once they'd clicked into place, Light stood and examined his prey. L's backside  laid stretched and bare before him, a perfect white piece of parchment ready to be written upon.  “I want you to tell me about it. Tell me about your transgression.”

“What?”

“I didn't say you could ask questions!” Light shouted as his balled fist brought the leather belt down upon L's back. 

L yelped, tears welling in his wincing eyes as he tried to reclaim his breath. “Ah! Okay! I'm sorry. I'm sorry.  I was at a party. I was drinking a spiked punch with Naomi…”

“Do you find her attractive?”

L hesitated and Light whipped him again. “Ah! Okay! Yes! Yes, she's beautiful. I wanted her.”

“How did you want her? Give me every detail.”

“I- I wanted he r beneath me. Naked. I wanted to make her mine…I…” L was trying not to cry and failing miserably, but still he didn't tell Light to stop.

“Describe her body. Tell me what you did to her.”

“She's… she's perfect.” Light hit him again. “Ah! She’s got  perky breasts and nipples you can't help but want in your mouth. She’s got a thigh gap for miles and tight ass and her pussy is so we-et. Ah!” 

Light hit L several more times, his anger bubbling closer and closer to the surface with every strike.  The belt began to draw blood and L screamed and bawled, his drool and tears soiling the bedding beneath him.  Light only stopped when he was tired, admiring his work as he caught his breath. “Do you love her?”

_ “ _ _ No, of course not.” _

He answered too fast. Light beat him again and again. “Don’t lie to me!”

“Okay! _ I love her _ ! I love her!”

The beatings stopped and Light was silent. L couldn't lift his head to see his new husband. “Light? Are you there?”

“…Yes…”

“I love you more. I-“

“Shut up!” Light jumped on the bed and straddled L, slinging the belt around his neck and pulling it tight.  Light grit his teeth and leaned his head close to L's ear as he strangled L. “I'll tell you when you can speak.”

When Light let the belt loose, L choked and coughed and gagged. He breathed in desperately, trembling against his restraints as he sobbed.  Light reached for the key on the nightstand and undid the cuffs. “This isn't over. Flip onto your back.”

The pain was horrible as he moved, but L endured. Once on his back, Light cuffed him again, pulling L's body down the bed so his arms were as long as they'd stretch. Then, straddling L's face, he grinned wickedly. “I'm going to fuck your mouth now.”

L took a deep breath as Light pushed his long, hard shaft down L's throat to the hilt. L's eyes watered as he tried not to gag on it. When Light began thrusting, L struggled to breathe through his nose, but it was impossible to get enough air. Light’s finger nails dug into L's hair and Light closed his eyes as he pounded into L's mouth aggressively. Every time L gagged or moved his tongue it sent a sizzle through Light’s body. Drool spilled down L's chin, jaw, and throat. Light's balls smacked against his wet skin, the noise it made lewd and hot.

Eventually, Light found himself buckling under the familiar coil in his stomach as his orgasm built. He bit his bottom lip to keep from speaking, from screaming L's name. His eyes flashed open to watch as he exploded down L's throat, his thighs burning as his hips bucked. 

L felt great relief as Light softened and pulled from L's mouth. He caught his breath between swallows, panting and exhausted. Light, however, wasn’t finished just yet. He turned around and shoved his ass in L's face. “Eat it,” he demanded. “Eat it until I’m hard again and maybe I'll reward you.”

As Light rocked back onto L's face, he couldn't help but moan to feel that wonderful tongue lick and slurp against his puckered hole. L's cock was half hard, and Light figured he deserved at least a little attention for all  he'd endured so far. Light took the soft lump of flesh into his mouth and began to suck .  A shiver ran through L and for a moment he paused before continuing in his mission to pleasure Light back to hardness.

Both men could feel their erections  growing as they pleasured each other. The lashings on L's back became a thing of the past as he reached for Light's balls and sucked the soft sack into his mouth when Light rocked back.  Light groaned his satisfaction onto L's cock, tangy  precome swirling in his mouth with each pass  of his tongue and slide down to the ba c k of his throat.

By the time Light was back to full hardness, L was shooting down his throat and screaming his name against his ass. Light was beginning to fatigue, but he wasn't through with L yet.  Lifting off the spent cock below him, Light wiped his mouth and stepped off of the bed and L. He grabbed the lube and a small dildo from amongst the pile of toys on the nightstand. “ Tonight you'll learn how to take two cock’s,” Light panted as he  generously applied the lube to the dildo. He placed himself at L's  eager hips and teased his unpreped  entrance with the tip of the toy. L squirmed, knowing it would hurt but wanting it all the same. Light then rammed the toy inside L about halfway. L screamed and jolted against his restraints.

Deciding not to be too evil, Light was gentle with the dildo as he worked it back and forth, using it to stretch L open. After several hearty thrusts using his hand, Light grew impatient, wanting to sink himself inside the body laid out before him. Removing the dildo, Light did just that. L hissed and arched at the stretch of Light’s much larger cock. He breathed out and tried to relax, not daring to forget what Light had promised him earlier.

It was bizarre as well as painful, having a second cock inserted. Even if it was just a toy,  L grimaced and nearly asked Light to stop.  Somehow, however, he endured and managed to relax as Light fucked him with both his own dick and the toy. Having already come once, it would take considerably longer for Light to come again. As he railed L's prostate, L found he didn't mind at all.

Light did not whisper his usual sweet nothings to L as he ravaged his body.  Had Light more hands, he would've continued strangling L as well. L did not hold back in his own cries of pleasure, and the two men both found themselves coming for a second time.

Exhausted, Light pulled out. The first thing he did was  uncuff L and pull him into his arms and hold him tenderly,  careful of his lash marks. L cried for the pain, the torment, and for the relief of it finally being over.  Light thumbed dark hair from grey eyes. “You did so well. I know that was hard. I know.”

L found great comfort in Light's arms. Now that he'd been properly punished, L felt as though he could  let go and move on. Relief washed over him as he laid his tired head against his husband's chest. When Light’s hand grazed over L's wounds, he hissed and stiffened.

“Let me see your back, L.” Light gently laid L on the bed and turned on the bedside lamp. His eyes widened and he tried not to gasp at how bad it actually was. L's back appeared swollen and disfigured. He was bleeding in several places, bruised wherever the skin wasn’t torn. It was horrifying. Light hadn't meant to hurt L like this. “Stay here.”

Light stood and went to the bathroom, nearly dizzy with regret. He soaked rags in cold water and walked back out to the bed. L didn't say anything or move when Light placed the rags in his broken skin. With a kiss to L's hair, Light left to find something to put on him to prevent infection. _Maybe a salve or_ _…_ Light broke down as he searched the medicine cabinet. _I'm still a monster, L. I'm still him. Still Kira. I always will be._

_ “We are both monsters in our own right, Light.  _ _ It doesn't mean we do not love each other.” _


	11. What's Wrong With L

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A mysterious ailment afflicts young L

The next time L found himself on campus he was packing up his horses and withdrawing from his classes. He'd discussed it with Light and both decided he needed a healthier scholastic environment. It might not be his first choice, but he could attend To'Oh and still live at home. They didn't have a school equestrian team, and that was fine. He could continue showing professionally on the A circuit when time allowed. 

The plan was solid with one exception; Naomi. “Will you please just tell me what I did wrong?”  Her question was earnest, her eyes glistening with emotion.

“Nothing,” L closed the lid to his tack trunk and walked over to her. He took her by surprise when he hugged her tight. “I love you, Naomi. You've been nothing but a wonderful friend to me. ” He pulled away from her and smiled softly, holding both her hands in his.

It was then she noticed the ring on his finger. “Oh,” she said as she smoothed her thumb over it. “ Engaged?”

“Married.” He blushed. He hadn’t told anyone about it. “Light asked me over the break.”

“Does he know… ”

“Yes. I told him everything.”

It was her turn to blush. “I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to cause you problems.  I-“

“No need for any of that. Everything is fine.” L dropped her hands and turned to the stalls which housed his four horses. “I was thinking, Naomi, would you like to finish the season out on Mali? I know you really enjoy riding her and I feel like you two make a great team.”

Naomi was shocked. Mali was a large, stunning bay  warmblood mare and easily the most talented horse she'd ever ridden. Naomi’s horse had come up lame and just couldn't seem to recover. She'd been devastated but L had allowed her to use Mali. “Oh, L! Yes! Thank you! I'll take excellent care of her!”

“I know you will,”  he stroked Mali's nose and sighed. “You guys are going to be great. I just know it.”

Feeling better about their relationship, Naomi helped L pack up and load the three remaining horses onto his trailer. She promised to visit him and he vowed to come to a show. This wasn't goodbye for them. They were best friends now, and nothing could change that. They hugged goodbye and she watched as he pulled away, a sad sort of emptiness settling in her bones. She knew they could've really been something amazing together. Maybe in another life.

***

Things settled down for L once he returned home. The new barn was finished so five of his six horses were now with he and Light. It sure was something to look out the window of his bedroom as he studied and see his horses grazing. Even better was the fact that when his brain started to fizzle out with all the work, he could go for a quick ride and clear his head. In fact, L found himself riding much more often and able to get a lot more done with his horses now that they were home. Light helped maintain the property and hired professional help where it was needed, so L didn't have to bother with much of that. He could focus on his studies and his riding and really hone his craft.

Of course Light loved it. Having L home and taking several classes online was everything he could've hoped for.  He made sure L was as comfortable as possible, doting on him constantly and downright spoiling the young man.  With Light’s help and talent for cooking, L had been able to go vegan and finally felt healthy again with the exception of constant head aches. L figured it was the stress of school, but Light wanted him to see a neurologist. 

“Funny, my fingers won't stop twitching,” L mumbled to himself one morning as he brushed his teeth in the bathroom. He shook his hand and laughed it off. Maybe he had a pinched nerve.

Light was already halfway through cooking breakfast  by the time L was dressed and ready to face the day. He greeted Light with a kiss and Light repaid him with a quick handful of firm, youthful, ass cheek. L jumped and swatted him away playfully, munching on his vegan “bacon” and tofu scramble. Before sitting at the table, however, L reached for the Advil on the counter.

Light rolled his eyes. “It's not healthy to live on pain killers, baby.”

“I know, I know. I'll call today.” L gave Light a look that said to drop the issue and made his way to the table. It wasn't like he _wanted_ to wake up everyday with a throbbing head. Part of him wondered if it was his diet. Maybe he had an unknown food allergy or was lacking a vitamin. He was careful to eat a balanced diet but then again… it didn't hurt to get blood work.

L felt like he blinked and sort of 'woke up’ in the barn. He was holding Ari's leather halter. He sat on a mounting block and rubbed his forehead. _What am I doing?_ _What time is it?_ L looked at his smartphone to find he'd only lost a few minutes, but it wasn't normal to lose time at all.

The deciding factor in putting back the halter and calling the doctor was when L stood, stumbled like he was drunk, and then vomited. This wasn't okay. _He_ wasn't okay. He'd been having strange dizzy spells since he'd gotten married and they seemed to be getting worse. L was halfway across the front yard when he collapsed and his body began convulsing uncontrollably. 

***

“Thank you, Misa. That's very sweet of you. L will love it.” Light had been prepping lunch in the kitchen and telling Misa  about how he and L had just recently got married. It was news he wished he could tell the world, but only Misa understood.  It felt good to have a friend like her. Maybe L could have someone like that.  Maybe Naomi could be L's best friend. Light had to admit he felt jealous when thought of her. A quick glance at his wedding ring put that feeling to rest, however. L had chosen him. 

Light glanced at the clock on the wall. “He should've come in by now.”  Panic shot through Light as his mind turned to thoughts of L getting injured while riding.  L had a smart watch that would alert Light to a fall,  but his asshole husband forgot to wear it most times, this morning included.

With a deep breath to soothe what he was _sure_ was an overreaction, Light shoved his feet into slippers and shuffled out the front door. _He’s fine. You're ridiculous. Nothing has hap-_ Light’s thoughts went blank when he saw L face down in the grass. He wasn't moving and from where Light stood he couldn't tell if L was breathing either. It took his brain far too long to accept what he was seeing. When he finally did, he shouted L's name as he raced across the lawn. Dropping to his knees, he rolled L over to find he'd vomited on himself and was unconscious, but alive. “Fuck. L, wake up baby.”

Frantically, Light pulled out his phone and began calling emergency services. The ambulance couldn't get there fast enough even if it could time travel,  Light thought. He smoothed L's hair back as he waited on the line with the operator for help to arrive. She had him check for a pulse and make sure L's airway was clear.  There were no obvious signs of injury and he didn't feel hot to the touch. She also reminded him to breathe and stay calm and focused so he could help his husband. 

L started coming to once the ambulance arrived. He was confused and weak and started crying and struggling as they tried to assess him. Light grabbed his hands and held him steady as he looked L in the eyes. “Baby, something is wrong. They're here to help you. I'm going with you, okay? You won't be alone.”

“Okay .”


	12. False Memories

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We find out what's wrong with L. L experiences a strange new symptom

It didn't take long for the doctor overseeing L's hospital stay to confirm epilepsy. An MRI confirmed a brain tumor was the cause. Light and L held hands, shocked into silence as everything was explained to them. Light tried to breathe deep and remain in control of himself but it was no use. The panic and stress consumed him. L, however, was too tired to really care. The doctor had said the tumor was removable, so L figured it would be surgery and then he'd be good as new. That's not what the doctor told them, however.

“ It’s a very small tumor so I would like to put you on anti seizure medication and monitor the tumor to see if it grows. If we can avoid surgery, that would be ideal.” The doctor pushed his black framed glasses up his nose as he explained . The man was middle aged, balding, short. Nothing really appealing about him physically, but his bedside manner was good and the care he took of L was top notch.

“Thank you, Doctor Z,” Light said quietly as he shook the man’s hand. Once the doctor had gone, Light took his place in the chair next to L and sighed. “How are you feeling?”

“I'm alright. Just tired,” L said weakly. “You know what I want? I want to go back to the Caribbean with you.  That was the best vacation we’d ever had.”

Light stared at L in confusion. They had never been to the Caribbean. Light had taken his late husband there over twenty years ago. Clearly L was confused. Light kissed his hair and smiled softly but didn't say anything. He figured L was getting pictures he'd seen of his father with Light mixed up with actual memories. L had gone through several albums since moving, seemingly having a renewed interest in who his father was. _I'll have to ask the doctor about this,_ Light thought.

When L eventually fell asleep, Light approached the nurses station to see if the doctor was available for a quick chat. Fortunately,  the doctor was handing over a file to one of the nurses and chatting briefly about the day’s schedule.  “Excuse me, Dr. Z?”

“Ah, yes. Mr.  Yagami . How can I help you?”

“L seems to believe he has memories of things that didn't happen. At least, not with him.  Is that normal?”

“False memories are a common occurrence in even the healthiest of brains,” he explained, cheerful smile putting Light at ease. “ Memory is still a bit of a medical mystery. There's so much we don't know. However,  having said that, I would hope these false memories resolve after a few weeks. If they don't or if they worsen, please call me.”

Light thanked the doctor and returned to L's room. L was still sleeping, seemingly peaceful in his rest. Light was glad at least one of them was.  Someone would be by for checkout, Light knew, so all he had to do was wait. It was difficult when all he wanted to do was escape that place. The sooner it was a distant memory the better.  _ I'm so afraid he's going to die, L. _

_ “He'll be okay. Breathe. You've faced worse problems. You'll get through.” _

L was right.  They'd been through multiple suicide attempts, an affair, medication that changed L in a negative way before finding something that made him better. His life had fallen apart and come back together so many times. This was no different. Light would make it through. They would both make it through.  _ He thinks he's you, L. _

_ “In many ways he is.” _

Light’s private conversation with the dead was interrupted when a lovely woman walked in with their checkout paperwork. They had a prescription to fill and a follow up appointment scheduled.  Information regarding seizure disorders was included, and Light considered talking to L about a service dog at some point in the future.

***

In the following days, L seemed to adjust well to his new condition and the added expectation of taking medication every day. He agreed to forego riding until he was seizure free and cleared by the doctor to do so at his next appointment in a couple weeks. It was a relief to Light that L didn't argue. He truly expected him to be adamant about riding. Perhaps L was finally taking his health seriously. 

Aside from refraining from riding and taking medicine, nothing in their routine changed. L still got up early to feed the horses and at least lunge them before coming in and doing online school work. Light still made breakfast and lunch and waited patiently for his dirty, hay covered husband to come back inside. The first few days Light would watch L and look out the window constantly. He made him wear his smart watch as well. Once again, L was unusually agreeable about it.

Once it seemed like L was stable  and not having anymore seizures, Light relaxed a bit. The anxiety left him and was replaced by curious concern over L's false memory problem.  “ Do you remember  the name of that bakery in Japan we used to frequent?  I've been craving their  matcha green tea  buns.”

Light nearly dropped the dishes as he cleared the table from lunch. “We’ve never been to Japan, baby.”

L gave Light a look like he was the one who was nuts. “Then how do  I remember being there? How do I remember the tower I built for us to live in and conduct the investigation?”

Light set the dishes in the sink and made his way slowly back to L. He knelt on the floor and took L's hands in his and rested them in L's lap. “Baby, think about what you're saying.  You’re not a detective. You have never conducted an investigation. When would you have done all that at nearly nineteen years of age anyway? ”

L's eyes widened in realization. “Oh.” He was quiet a moment before speaking again. “What’s wrong with me?”

“The doctor said it's called false memories. You're mixing up things you learned about your father with things you've actually done.”

“Will it get better?”

“I don't know.”

L looked down, embarrassed that his brain wasn’t functioning like it should be. Light kissed his hair and squeezed his hands. “I feel like I'm going insane,” L admitted.

“Hey,” Light tilted L's chin up with his thumb and index finger. “I'll still love your crazy ass.”

L laughed and kissed his sweet husband.  It was certainly a comfort to know that Light would always be there. He could lose his mind entirely and Light would still love him, still remain by his side.  This was the benefit of marriage, L thought. This was what it meant to tell someone you’d be there until the end.  L sighed and stood, helping Light off the floor. “I'm going to work on my little project the rest of the day, I think.”

“Sounds good, baby.” Light hugged L for a moment.  He wished he knew whether or not things would be okay. All he could do was stay strong. Stay positive.

The project L had been working on wasn’t exactly small. He'd taken all his favorite pictures of his dad and Light and framed them. Then he took pictures of himself with Light as a child until now. It was a kind of chronological display of their lives, and it started when Light was about the age that L was now. It was a lot of fun and some of the pictures were adorable. It took up nearly the entire interior wall of their living room. L was quite proud of his work. It made him feel closer to his father despite the fact that it probably fueled his confusion. Perhaps, he thought, it would help his mind eventually sort things out to see what was an actual memory and what wasn't. Only time would tell.


	13. Kisses and Cake

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> L continues to have seizures and needs Light's comfort

It didn't look like anything had been touched inside Light’s safe. The Death Note was still perfectly placed where he’d last put it. Surely if L had discovered it, he would've confronted Light, right?  This secret was the one thing that kept Light convinced that his late husband's ghost hadn't somehow inhabited L's body.  _ Stranger things have happened,  _ Light mused with a sigh as he locked the safe and replaced the painting covering it.  Light had often wondered what L would do if he found the Notebook.  He feared L's rejection enough to keep quiet about it and hope he never found out. Some secrets were best taken to the grave.

Leaving the closet,  Light  thought tea and cake for L sounded like a perfect midday treat.  The strawberries were about to go bad anyway, so he might as well toss them in a cake. Light was considering which recipe to use when he rounded the corner and saw L flat on his back in the living room,  convulsing. “L!” Light ran to him and grabbed a pillow to place under L's head as he turned him over onto his side. “It's going to be okay. You're okay,”  Light soothed as he stroked L's hair.

The seizure didn't last very long, but it felt like eternity to Light.  Once L came out of it, he started crying in confusion. Light gently helped him sit on the couch and explained what had happened. “ How does some cake sound?” Light offered.

Nothing cheered L up like the promise of cake. He seemed like a child as he wiped his eyes, sniffled, and said, “Okay.”

“What kind of tea do you want with it?” Light asked as he preheated the oven and pulled out his giant mixer.

“I don't know. Green tea? Do we have any?” L rubbed his forehead as a head ache developed. “And maybe some head ache medicine?”

“Sure,” Light said as he poured the readied tea and rifled through the cabinet above him for something L could take. He brought it over and made sure L was fully alert before giving him anything. L seemed as fine as he could be given the circumstances. “You’ve got a doctor's appointment soon. Maybe we'll get some new imaging and see what’s going on.”

L nodded as he tossed back the tiny pills and drank his tea.  It was just as sweet as it could be and he smiled to think that Light had gotten it so perfect. “Did we go to Hawaii on our honeymoon?”

“We didn't have a honeymoon,” Light smiled. “But I would love to take you somewhere. Let's get these seizures under control and we'll go, okay?”

L nodded, “Okay.”  He didn't want to tell Light that he remembered going there, that he remembered the smell of the salty sea air and how the sun burned his shoulders. He didn't want to seem insane for remembering the room  they stayed in or how they made love. There were no pictures of _ that.  _ Was L filling in the gaps with his imagination?  “Can we stay at the Hilton?”

Light nearly dropped a whole egg into the batter.  Pulling himself together, he looked at L quizzically. “That’s fine, but, why there?”

L shrugged. He didn't want to admit that it was because he _ remembered it.  _ “It's got the best reviews. Can't go wrong with a Hilton.”

Light tried to let it go, but he struggled. The whole time he was making the cake he felt consumed by racing thoughts. He couldn't wrap his mind around what was happening. Maybe he could ask L questions that didn't have answers in the old pictures. Obviously he wasn't going to ask if L knew he was Kira, but there were other things he could ask. As he chopped strawberries, he considered what and how to ask. “Hey L, do you remember our very first fight?”

“Not really.” L said as he refilled his tea cup.  “Do you mean as a couple or in general?”

_ That’s a _ _ good point.  _ Light hadn’t considered the first fight for them would've been much longer ago than it was for he and L.  “ Nevermind . Different question.  Do you remember what happened on our first date?”

L sipped thoughtfully before leaning back against the couch and saying with a laugh, “Yes! We went to see that  _ awful  _ romantic comedy and we got a little hot and heavy in the back and you accidentally creamed your pants. You were mortified . It was fantastic.”

Light nearly cut his finger upon hearing L's explanation.  “L, how did you know that?”

“What do you mean? Shouldn't I know what our first date was like?”

“ That was the first date of me and your _ father,  _ L.”

“Oh, sorry. Must've been deriving it from pictures.”

“There aren't any,” Light said. “There aren't any of the first several months we dated because he didn't allow pictures of us during the investigation.”

L's eyes locked with Light’s a moment, the two of them shocked to silence. “Maybe you've told me the story before.”

“Maybe.” _Do we chalk it up to that and drop it or do we push further?_ The beep of the oven timer turned Light’s attention away from the conversation and L. Deep down, he knew it wasn't a story he was likely to tell anyone. It was simply too embarrassing. So, how did L know about it? He had to find out somehow. Light’s thoughts circled back to the Death Note, which L seemingly still knew nothing about. The fact that L didn't seem to know of its existence meant he wasn’t a reincarnation or possessed. Somehow he acquired knowledge he shouldn't have but he was still the second L. The L that gave him second chances and made him happy. 

They sat quietly together and enjoyed strawberry cake.  L was feeling much better, smiling as he enjoyed the taste of scratch made cake. Nobody could bake like Light in his opinion.  Nobody ever came close.  Once every last bit was eaten clean from L's plate, he gathered the dishes and brought them to the sink. “I feel weak,” L complained as he leaned with his hands against the sink.  Epilepsy was frustrating.

“Do you want to lay down?”

L smiled crookedly at Light. “Will you lay with me?”

“Of course.” Light stood and gracefully made his way over to L. Long arms embraced L and soft lips pressed against his forehead. “I love you.”

L's fingers  weakly clutched at Light's shirt. A muffled “I love you too,” came from somewhere against his chest.  Cake and kisses went a long way to making L feel better, but nothing beat having Light’s warm body pressed against his in their bed.


	14. Surprises

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> L prepares for Surgery. Light has an unexpected guest.
> 
> Final chapter of part two!!! Part 3 is on its way!

D octors appointments were inherently boring, L decided.  The same low music played while the same boring  décor hung on bland walls. Magazines sat on end tables, attempting to offer salvation from the monotony but falling quite short.  I t was all meant to be soothing, he knew. It just failed to do so in every conceivable way.

“Good to see you both again,” the doctor said kindly as she sat in a chair and looked at her computer screen. “According to recent images, the tumor has grown, so it's time to remove it. Hopefully you'll stop having seizures and be able to come off your medicine. Wouldn't that be nice?”

L nodded. The side effects weren't extreme but they were annoying. Nausea and fatigue were the biggest ones so far. He'd only thrown up a few times in the beginning, but it seemed to be getting better as time went on. To be off the medicine completely, however, was quite appealing.

Light squeezed L’s hand, causing L to look up at Light’s tight lipped, concerned face. He was listening intently to the doctor as she explained the ins and outs of surgery. L thought he should listen too, but found he couldn't. If Light was worried then so was he. L squeezed Light’s hand back reassuringly, an attempt to smile gracing thin lips. _It'll be okay_ _._

These were always t he moments Light tried to act strong and failed terribly.  The façade was full of cracks and if the situation weren’t  so serious L might’ve laughed at his husband.  Right now, however, Light needed reassurance.  The fear that L might die on the operating table if one of a million things went wrong had fully gripped him by the time they got home.

“Talk to me,” L said as he reached for Light, stopping him from heading into the house.

Light sighed heavily, head down, shoulders slumped. He looked defeated. Nothing could fix the way he was feeling. The Death Note couldn't solve the problem they were facing. “ I feel like I'm going to lose you.”

L knew he could make no promises. A strong wind chilled them both, a reminder that there was a warm house and hot tea just a few feet away. L hugged and kissed Light. “Chances are you're going to be stuck with me for a very long time.”

Light’s eyes were so sad that L almost couldn't stand to look in them. “You're shivering. Let's go inside.”  Light pulled away from L’s embrace and led him inside. Maybe tonight they could make love, Light thought, and just in case things went the way he feared most, perhaps he could map out his husband’s body again.  Maybe he could kiss every inch of skin, love every muscle, feel the heat and the sweat  and the firmness.  Maybe then he could make a memory so close to reality that he'd  scarce be able to tell the difference.

They skipped tea and instead shed clothing and kept warm under the covers of their bed. The friction of their rocking bodies quickly made the cold wind from earlier a forgotten memory. Scattered “I love you’s” fell from kissing lips as they made love. 

Perhaps it was the heated throws of passion, but L couldn’t help blurting out, “I want a baby!” As Light thrust deep inside him.

Light slowed his t hrusts but  didn’t stop completely.  “A baby?”

“I'm sorry. I didn't mean to kill the mood,” L said, worried.

“You didn’t. Let’s get through surgery first, but yes, I would love to have a baby with you.” Light said before happily kissing L. He pushed down any creeping fears about the impending surgery or the fact that when his first husband asked for a baby, he died soon after.  No, Light instead focused on the moment, feeling the intense joy at the prospect of being a father again.  _ L would be a wonderful father,  _ Light though t. 

The two lovers would fall asleep in a mess of tangled limbs and bedding. Light's worry would wake him up throughout the night to check on L, who was sleeping peacefully in his arms. A stream of moonlight shined upon L’s porcelain skin and made L seem as though he’d come straight from the heavens above. Light allowed his lips to tenderly brush that marble skin. _I love you more than anything else on this planet. I hope you know that._

_ *** _

Surgery day was upon them in what felt like a single blink.  They left before the sun came up, snow gently falling from the sky. The horses all donned their blankets and huddled  by the hay L set out for them.  The steam from Light’s coffee warmed his skin, and he cast L a sympathetic look.  L wasn't allowed to eat or drink anything before surgery, and it was sheer torture for him.  At least surgery was early and afterward Light promised to make him anything he wanted to eat.

Light held L’s hand in the waiting room, nervously shaking one leg. When a nurse appeared to take L back for prep, Light hugged him tight and kissed him goodbye. The surgery would take several hours, Light knew. They would be the longest hours of his life. Light thought back to when L was a kid and had to have emergency surgery. He shivered as he paced the waiting room. That was the last time L had surgery, and it was a miracle he survived. 

Deciding to distract himself, Light discovered the lounge area with a vending machine and coffee. It was terrible tasting coffee that only had the powder creamer from hell to stir into it.  _ Oh, well.  _ That paired with a vending machine sticky bun was probably the worst breakfast Light had ever eaten. He chuckled to himself a bit.  _ You would’ve been all about this, L _ . For the first time ever, the disembodied voice of his late husband did not reply.  Perhaps that was a good thing, Light considered.  Maybe he was coming out of his psychosis.

The hours crept by with impossible slowness. Light ran out of things to keep himself busy. His hands trembled from too much caffeine.  _ L should be done soon,  _ Light thought, considering that no news was good news. 

That thought would be short lived when Light saw one of the surgical staff approach him, troubled look on her face. She took a seat next to Light on the waiting room. “He's stable, but we did have some complications.  He seized during surgery, and even though his head was restrained, he moved enough to cause the surgeon to nick an artery. We were able to stop the bleed, but  L lost consciousness.  He will be placed in the ICU until he can be moved to a regular hospital room for recovery. ”

The room spun a bit and Light thought he would be sick. “When do you expect him to wake up?”

“We are unsure. Right now He's comatose. I'm sorry, Mr.  Yagami .” She placed a sympathetic hand on his shoulder, “I'll let you know when you can see him. I recommend going home and getting an overnight bag together if you wish to stay with him.”

Light nodded. That was a good idea. “Thank you.”

Light realized long after he got in his car that he had no business driving. The whole world seemed to be spinning.  At one point he had to pull over to vomit.  _ This is my worst nightmare! Where are you, L? I need you. _

_ “I'm right here. I always have been.” _

“I'm losing him! I'm losing you both!”  Light choked out as he sobbed.

_ “You don't know that. Breathe.” _

Light did his best to breathe in slowly through his nose and out his mouth several times.  “ I don't know if I can do this, L.”

_ “You don't have a choice.” _

L was right. Light continued to steady his breathing and dry his tears. He was once the most prolific serial killer in the world. A God among men. When had he grown so soft?  If L died, Light knew he'd  lose his mind forever.  Kira would come back with a vengeance, and nobody wanted that.

Once home, he wasted no time racing upstairs to his bedroom and quickly packing a bag. He thought it unusual when the buzzer to the automatic gate rang, but ignored it. Every once in a while a squirrel triggered it. When the doorbell rang, however, he knew that couldn’t be  an  animal.  Dropping the bag, he hurried downstairs and opened the front door. Standing before him was a rather stunning young woman in loose fitting clothing which gently graced over what appeared to be a small baby bump.

“You must be Light,” she said, her voice kind.

“ Can  I help you?” Light’s mind was racing, trying to place the young woman.

“ I apologize. I should introduce myself. I'm Naomi  Misora .”

**Author's Note:**

> I wanted to let everyone know that I love and appreciate all feedback that is helpful, heartfelt, or constructive. After a long discussion with some disheartened readers on a Facebook group, I've decided to mention in each fic I write that I will NEVER give a shitty response to you. So, whether your comments are two words or two paragraphs, they are welcomed and appreciated so deeply here. ❤


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